


Beard Oil

by didipickles



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Beards (Facial Hair), Blow Jobs, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rimming, Smut, Spanking, Spanksgiving, Spanksgiving2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 17:21:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21480028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didipickles/pseuds/didipickles
Summary: David grows his beard out to test a new product. Patrick is very into it.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 58
Kudos: 237





	Beard Oil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [samwhambam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samwhambam/gifts).

> sam, you deserve a whole novel of smut for your birthday, but i hope this will do as a small offering. <3
> 
> happy spanksgiving, y'all!

Growing his beard out started as a purely professional endeavor. When the vendor responsible for the majority of the store’s hair products announced that he was now making beard oil, Patrick and David were immediately interested. Patrick, ever-practical, suggested that they try it out before purchasing it in bulk for the store. When David pointed out that Patrick didn’t have much to try it out _ on_, Patrick had rolled his eyes and the decision was made. David would let his beard grow.

This wasn’t the first time David experimented with facial hair. Although he’d now grown accustomed to the one- or two-day stubbled look, there was that stretch of time when Monica had convinced him to grow a mustache, and the month he’d let his beard grow to try and hide from the paparazzi, and that horrifying week when he had to wear a goatee after losing a bet to Alexis. However, this was the first time Patrick would see him with anything more than three days’ worth of a beard. Granted, three days on David was more than Patrick could grow in a month, but still. Patrick had never seen David with a true full beard. They’d been together long enough now that David wasn’t constantly plagued with worry that Patrick would suddenly change his mind—two years of marriage did wonders for a person’s confidence—but David still felt a bit anxious about a drastic shift in appearance and what it might do to the relationship. Partially responsible was the memory of the debacle when Mutt shaved his beard, leading Alexis to realize their relationship was long over. Okay, that was _ obviously _ not going to happen here, though. Right?

The first few days passed without incident. David’s stubble was a bit heavier, but nothing Patrick hadn’t seen before. With the new beard oil it was even softer than normal, and David noticed Patrick lingering after kisses. Interesting, but not outside of the ordinary for Patrick, who always found ways to put himself in David’s space anyway. About a week and a half into it, David noticed Patrick’s eyes following him around the store even more than usual. Of course, that wasn’t a huge change either, but the air felt somehow more charged. Patrick’s gaze carried far more heat than his typical tender glances. David felt a smug thrill paired with profound relief over the whole thing, and considered asking Patrick what he thought of the beard. But he had always enjoyed seeing Patrick squirm, so he carried on normally, pretending not to notice when Patrick’s kisses got a bit more frantic, when his hands pushed David’s face a bit more forcefully into his neck, when he let out a tiny yelp when David scraped his beard over Patrick’s nipple in bed. No, David could be patient. He could wait for Patrick to crack.

Two weeks and two days after starting the experiment, David woke up with Patrick’s face tucked under his jaw. He realized with a pleased start that Patrick was moving, rubbing his cheek methodically back and forth and letting out tiny hums. Oh god, was Patrick _asleep _and doing this? David thought his heart might actually burst at the idea of his husband gravitating toward his beard _in his sleep, _possible beard-burn be damned. The thought was soon replaced by a flash of panic: what if Patrick decided he _only _wanted David with a beard? Was this stupid product trial going to alter David’s signature look? Would he be stuck looking like a well-dressed Mutt Schitt for the rest of his life? 

Patrick shifted and a gentle hand on his cheek brought David out of his spiral, and he smiled lightly when Patrick pulled up to give David a soft kiss that quickly turned urgent. Patrick’s hands moved down over David’s thin shirt, pressing into his chest and helping David melt back into the pillows. The whole morning might have passed by the time Patrick pulled away, his lips shiny and the skin around his mouth slightly pink from friction. David’s thumb came up and rubbed under Patrick’s bottom lip, tracing the spot where the pink faded back into Patrick’s paleness. When Patrick’s mouth opened to suck David’s thumb between his lips, David grinned and pushed it in. 

“Yeah?” he asked, pressing his thumb down against Patrick’s tongue. Patrick’s eyes fluttered and David felt the movement mirrored in his chest. How the hell did he _ breathe _ before he met Patrick? Falling in love with him had been like taking his first real inhale in thirty-something years. And then Patrick would do something like this and utterly steal his breath again, though David found he didn’t quite mind, not if Patrick kept looking at him like that.

"It's Sunday," Patrick said quietly when he finally let David's thumb go free. “Store’s closed.”

"Mhm, yep, that's true," David responded with a tiny smile. Probably nobody else would have seen it, but the look in Patrick's eyes said he did.

"Will you do something for me?" Patrick had moved back to David's face and David could feel the warm breath through the hair where his jaw and chin met.

David wanted to tease, but even more he wanted to give Patrick what he had been working up to. "Yeah," he whispered, hands carding through Patrick's hair.

"Will you eat me out?" The request was more or less what David had expected, but it still sent a tingling out to his fingertips. "I want to feel your beard against my thighs and my hole." Patrick's voice gave him away; he really, _ really _wanted this, and that made David completely incapable of refusing.

"God, yeah, fuck, of course," David said, scrambling to roll them over again so Patrick was looking up at him from his back. Patrick's face was doing that _ thing, _the one where he somehow looked sweet and innocent and like he wanted to be devoured all at once. He leaned down and kissed Patrick, slow and lingering. "Turn over for me," he breathed into Patrick's mouth, and kissed him once more before pulling back. 

They quickly discarded their sleep clothes onto the floor and then David was kneeling between Patrick's spread legs, looking over his lovely round ass and broad back and the sprinkling of freckles on his shoulders. Fucking _ beautiful. _David bent forward and let his lips trail along Patrick's spine, knowing the sensitive skin would be even more responsive as his full beard brushed along it. Patrick made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a hum, and David grinned. He kept his mouth in constant motion, dragging his facial hair along Patrick's shoulder blade to the small of his back and then up again, over and over until Patrick shook beneath him. 

"So good, I love how it feels." Patrick's voice was slightly muffled but he sounded loose and warm and David was so in love that it ached. 

"I love you," he whispered into the dimple above Patrick's ass, feeling as his beard scratched the skin. For a moment David held himself still, his hands stopping their steady kneading of Patrick's thighs. Somehow after over four years, he and Patrick were still learning each other. It no longer filled David with dread to think that there were parts of Patrick he didn’t know, but instead sent waves of satisfied familiarity through him. Nothing about Patrick, not even the things he didn’t know yet, was a threat. David was safe. 

“You gonna actually do anything back there?” Patrick asked, lifting slightly so he could look back at David with teasing in his eyes. 

David answered with a hard slap to Patrick’s right ass cheek, drawing a yelp from the head of the bed. 

“Listen to you, asking me to do something for you and then mouthing off,” David said, smoothing his hand over the spot he’d spanked. 

Patrick was still partially turned to look at him, and his eyes had gone wide and glassy they way they always did while he worked out an idea. David knew that look inside and out, and kept his hand moving until Patrick spoke. “Can—can you do that again?”  
  
Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. David’s hand stilled and he felt his eyebrows shoot up. “Spank you?”

Patrick shifted around, pushing his ass further up. “Yeah, yeah I want—want you to spank me. Um…” 

“Go on, tell me what you want,” David said encouragingly, dropping down to kiss Patrick’s lower back again.

“If you spank me first, then, uh, it’ll be more sensitive when your beard rubs the skin?” His voice went high at the end, phrasing it like a question, but there was no question at all in Patrick’s eyes when David nodded at him. God he was so fucking _ precious. _

“How many, Patrick?” David kept his voice silky as he kneaded into Patrick’s ass, one cheek already blooming pink from the first smack.

“Um. Four? On each side?” For all the certainty in his eyes, Patrick’s voice was trembling, and David wanted to wrap him up and never let him go. He could give this to Patrick.

With a brisk nod, David moved back up to his knees and pulled Patrick’s hips up so his ass stuck out. “I already gave you one here, so let’s even it out,” a hand came down hard on the other cheek, “and then we’ll do three more on each side.” David didn’t move until Patrick nodded and breathed out an affirmative, and then slapped one cheek and then the other. The sound reverberated through the room and his skin, moving down to his cock. Patrick mewled, and David had to close his eyes. “Alright, Patrick. Two more each. Let’s make it quick so I can get my mouth on you.”

David made sure that the last spanks were spread over the skin so no matter where his beard trailed, Patrick would feel the gentle sting. While the last smack echoed through the room, Patrick let out a breath, heavy and high. “Thanks,” he mumbled, barely audible as he buried his face back into the pillow.

“Aren’t you just so polite now,” David said, knowing Patrick would hear the smile in his voice. “Time for me to really get to work, huh?”  
  
“Please,” came the tiny reply. Patrick’s knees seemed to give out and his hips fell back to the bed. The flush from the hits spread up over his ass and met with the familiar flush on his back whenever he was turned on. David wasn’t quite sure why the sight made him feel vaguely weepy, so he shook it off and moved to lay between Patrick’s thighs, hands gentling over the skin. 

“You’ve done a great job, asking me for what you want,” David breathed, dropping his head so his beard could scrape along the bottom crease of Patrick’s ass. He heard a sharp hiss above him and kept the path up, moving his beard back and forth against the skin, still hot from its spanking. “And now I’m going to give it to you, because it’s what you deserve.” Patrick whined, and David pulled him open, lightly trailing his tongue down the crack and over the hole, then licking down toward Patrick’s balls, tracing a path he'd followed hundreds of times. He made sure to keep his face tilted back, his chin sticking out, giving Patrick as much friction from his beard as he could. The high whines and gasps spurred David on, and he licked back up to Patrick’s hole and pressed the flat of his tongue against it. He held his tongue still and slowly moved his head just slightly from side to side, pressing his facial hair against the sensitive skin.

Suddenly, Patrick’s hand shot backward and landed in David’s hair, gripping tightly. “Please don’t stop, don’t fucking stop,” Patrick moaned above him. Fuck, as if he _ could _ stop with this kind of reaction. David pressed his tongue forward, the tip pushing inside, and then focused on keeping his jaw pressed into Patrick’s skin as he moved. His tongue inside Patrick was the anchor while his head bobbed and weaved, keeping the movements unpredictable so Patrick couldn’t anticipate where he’d feel the beard next. After Patrick’s cries morphed into slow whimpers, David’s attention went back to his tongue, licking and lapping at Patrick’s hole and then thrusting inside before peppering kisses over the pink skin. The hand in his hair tugged slightly as Patrick bucked backwards, riding David’s face as best he could. David hummed against him and felt Patrick shudder. Once Patrick had steadily started to grind back onto David’s tongue and beard, David gripped his hips and held him still. Catching his breath, David pulled away and pushed Patrick firmly against the bed. He moved back up to his knees and bent forward, kissing the center of Patrick’s back before speaking into it. “Know what I’m gonna do now?”  
  
Patrick groaned, which David took as a response. He used the grip on Patrick’s hips to turn him over onto his back, and then released him, taking in the sheen of sweat on Patrick’s forehead and chest, the red blotches on his neck and cheeks, the way Patrick’s teeth seemed set in his lower lip.

“Now I’m gonna suck your cock so you can feel my beard against your balls and your thighs.” David shifted as he spoke, settling between his legs and kissing the inside of his thigh. “Is that what you want?” No response, just harsh breaths. “Answer me, Patrick.”

“Yeah, fuck, that’s what I want, please.” His voice was ragged, and it brought a wicked smile to David’s face. 

“Mhm, that’s what I thought.” With a firm hand around the base of Patrick’s dick, David started with small short licks at the head, taking his time lapping up the precome that had probably been drooling since before David had even touched him. Then he moved to kiss the skin above and to the right of Patrick’s cock, making sure Patrick could feel the soft full hair around his mouth. 

“Yeah, god, David…”

David moved back to his cock, swallowing around the head and teasing his tongue up the underside before flattening it and pressing. Patrick’s breaths were accompanied by small moans, and David looked up at him as he lowered himself further, meeting Patrick’s eyes, which made Patrick whimper again. Grinning around him, David bobbed back and kissed the head and then removed his hand so he could drop down and take the entire thing, the hair above his lips pressing into Patrick’s skin. 

“Jesus fuck!”

Gratified, David pulled back a few inches and took a deep breath through his nose before dropping down again, pushing his jaw forward as best he could, trying to make sure his beard rubbed against Patrick’s balls to remind him why he asked for this. From there, David used his years of data mining Patrick’s responses to take him apart, alternating from holding his cock deep in his throat to quick messy bobs that left saliva and precome dripping down into David’s beard. At one point he came up for air and Patrick caught sight of the mess and made one of the most obscene sounds David had ever heard. 

“You...oh my god David you...fuck, you look perfect,” Patrick managed. Even with his voice rough and low, he sounded so goddamn _ fond. _

“You close, hm? Do you wanna come on my beard?” David replied, and grinned when Patrick’s eyes rolled back and his eyelids twitched.

“David, _ fuck.” _

“Mm, so that’s a yes, then.” He didn’t wait for a response before taking Patrick to the root again. While he brought him closer and closer to the edge, David slid his hands between Patrick and the bed, squeezing at his ass and then pressing a dry finger to his hole. Patrick’s body shuddered and he gave a warning cry, and David pulled off and gripped the base of his cock just in time, watching and feeling as Patrick came over his face and beard and tongue. David stroked him through it, pulling every last bit of pleasure he could from his shaking husband until finally Patrick reached down and weakly grabbed David’s wrist.

David followed a meandering path up Patrick’s body, stopping to admire patches of skin that he hadn’t kissed in too long, lavishing attention to the sprinkling of hair on his chest and then licking up his sternum. He was leaving a trail of come behind him, relics from his beard as it scratched up Patrick’s still-quivering form. When he made it to Patrick’s lips, he found them waiting and slightly parted. The kiss was crooked, David smiling too hard to do it properly and Patrick too eager to taste himself. It was perfect.

Long lazy minutes dragged by as Patrick licked into David’s mouth and at his face and beard, which tickled more than David expected, drawing delighted giggles from Patrick when David kept squirming on top of him. “C’mon, let me get you off,” Patrick murmured into David’s jaw where he’d just sent David into another ticklish fit. His hand snaked between them, but the angle was all wrong. 

David rolled over with a sigh, and Patrick moved to lay half on him while he took David in hand. He was already close, so close, the mixture of Patrick’s tongue on his throat and hand on his cock too much. It was over quickly, and then Patrick looked absolutely devilish as he grinned and licked the come from his hand. David groaned and threw an arm over his eyes, ready to crawl back under the covers for another few hours.

“Yeah, I know, you can go back to sleep in a minute,” Patrick murmured, and the bed shifted. David peeked under his arm and caught sight of the fading pink on Patrick’s ass as he walked away. He reappeared with two washcloths and a bottle of cooling skin gel from the store.

Heaving a sigh, David pushed himself up into a sitting position. With the heat of the moment passed, he reached up to his beard and pulled a face at the drying stickiness there. “I don’t actually think ejaculate is part of the beard care regimen,” he said, taking the proffered washcloth and wiping at his jaw and chin, then over his face. 

Patrick giggled and wiped down David’s stomach, taking care to catch the come that had dried into the trail of hair below his belly button. David squirmed again, and Patrick rolled his eyes. “Okay, it’s also not part of the stomach care regimen so hold still please.” Once he was cleaned off, Patrick climbed onto the bed and lay on his stomach, pushing the bottle to David. 

Gently, David leaned in and kissed Patrick’s neck, then crawled down to his side. “So was it everything you dreamed it would be?” he asked, spreading the gel over Patrick’s ass, making sure to knead it in and then coat over it. 

Patrick snorted and turned his head on the pillow. “Remember how you just cleaned my come out of your beard? Yeah, I’d say it was a success.”

David finished with the gel and set the bottle down next to the bed and then stood. “Don’t fall asleep yet,” he said, and then quickly went to the kitchen and returned with two glasses of water, his own already half gone. “You need to drink at least some of this, and then we can go back to bed.”  
  
Obediently Patrick accepted the glass and drank half before leaving it on the side table. “Hey, c’mere” he murmured, and David knew that voice. On instinct, David settled in next to him, stroking a hand over his back. “Thank you.”

In all their time together, David hadn’t quite figured out what to do when Patrick thanked him after sex. He had come to learn that the thank you went deeper than just the act, but down to the constant undercurrent of intimacy and trust that still felt new and precious to David. Instead of figuring out the correct response right now, David leaned in and kissed the corner of Patrick’s mouth before rolling onto his side and closing his eyes, exhaustion creeping back into him.

“So what we’ve learned here today is that you’re going to divorce me when I shave in a few days,” David murmured, drifting right near the edge of sleep.

“Mm, nope. We've learned that we are definitely stocking this beard oil,” Patrick responded, his voice already halfway gone. “I love you,” he added, a bit stronger. 

“I love you,” David whispered back.

Three months later when Patrick took a trip back home to visit a cousin, David bought a new bottle of beard oil, ready to surprise his husband upon his return.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @thedidipickles and twitter @didipickles2


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